Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
(by @ZachWeiner )
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!