the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
look at me when i’m typing to you
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
❤️🦆
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons