I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
uh oh
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake