“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.