So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.