Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY