AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.