Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer