Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal