“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a pi帽ata.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
If I give out nudes now, it鈥檚 extremely unfair to the nudes I didn鈥檛 give out before.
I鈥檝e consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
He said it鈥檚 canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
not to brag, but mine was free
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let鈥檚 do this!
Kid: It鈥檚 just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that鈥檚 bullshit
B) I probably shouldn鈥檛 know this