Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
You Might Also Like
And now we wait
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW