Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.