The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Geez man, take it easy.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I have so many questions.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.