I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
umm…
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot