Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
fr
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀