To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
termite twitter scares me
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Bruh PLEASE
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”