Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”