The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I have many caverns
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.