[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.