I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]