“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
This is a sub tweet
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !