I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.