*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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don’t we all
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
They’re not wrong
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99