I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.