i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
You Might Also Like
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers