There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me, after any kind of buffet.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.