Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Planet of the Apps.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*