How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.