“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
everyone’s a critic
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues