If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“TGIM!” – My liver
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.