“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Stop.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.