Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry