Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.