I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Finally!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?