to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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I want this so bad
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer