my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.