Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Running from your problems is cardio .
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.