I love it all
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor