It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
You Might Also Like
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
me refusing to leave twitter
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.