Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.