“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
You Might Also Like
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I falcon love using swear birds
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”