<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.