Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Day 2 of my diet
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
🙋♀️
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.