Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]