him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
i’m sure it’s fine
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”