Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?