Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.