Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall