Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.