INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.